only upstaged in the end by the uzi machine gun

When the sleigh is heavy
And the timber wolves are getting bold
You look at you companions
And test the water of their friendship
With your toe
They significantly edge
Closer to the gold
Each man has his price Bob
And yours was pretty low
History is short the sun is just a minor star
The poor man sells his kidneys
In some colonial bazaar
Que sera sera
Is that your new Ferrari car
Nice but I think I'll wait for the F50
You don't have to be a Jew
To disapprove of murder
Tears burn our eyes
Moslem or Christian Mullah or Pope
Preacher or poet who was it wrote
Give any one species too much rope
And they'll fuck it up
.....

This is one of the most personally influential albums I have ever heard.
Do one thing this week...
Buy this album: Roger Waters: Amused to Death

Bob Dylan's Mr. Hyde, thats how I see him. And hasn't Hyde always been the fun one?
marinate in this guy's music, its fun, crazy, grotesque,
fuckin brilliant and insane, but aint those two the same...?...
---this video is just a small taste, his shit is so different from song to song to album---

I spent today looking for my cat. Well, he's mine by association, not by warrant, but I feed him every now and then. Friday is my day off, I drove out to the country to pack up more things from my house and to feed the cat. His sister got pregnant, most likely by him... (hot!)... so I had to take her to the shelter before she burst... I found out later that they normally kill pregnant cats within a week... I figure its better that way, although I try not to think about it. Im pretty good at shutting off bad thoughts and certain emotions I'd be better off not exploring. My dad taught me that, but thats a whole nother chapter. I took in these strays... 4 in all... considering that Im allergic to cats and not all that fond of them, it was a pretty big undertaking. I fed them and filled their water bowl. They learned to hunt and jump around in the cow pastures that surround my house, they be happy. 2 found homes 1 is probably gassed by now, this last one is left and I spent the day today looking for him. I'll let you know when I find him... I have a feeling thats him at my window right now, staring at me... yeah, it looks like his shiny eyes. Creepy bastard...

Wasn't sure what to post as my first entry... I thought maybe something Ive already written would be a good beginning. I found this in a folder at the corner of my screen, I clicked the dust off of it and this is what I found. The night a man I love(d) broke it off with me. I thought it was neat to revisit those emotions... so here it is. Eh...

 

..........

Well, time seems to drift

From one dream to its end

The world rolls on through

And tumbles again

 

He sleeps, the TV is loud but his snores are only broken by the occasional burst of sound from the film. I ignore it. Both the snore and the movie. At least I try. My eyes drift up over my computer monitor when a sound catches my attention, or when I lose this free flowing thought. I look up at the figure under the covers. I can see his face even though he is turned away. I can hear his breath and almost feel his heartbeat. Like I used to. I would pay attention to the slightest rumblings and rhythmic pulses in his body, as I held him. Can’t do it anymore. He let me go, again, for good, again. I miss him, even though I’m looking at him, looking through the bed covers, through the volume from the TV, through the computer monitor and through my random thoughts. I can see him. As I always do. As I always will.

Someone once said ( I admit it was me, but it sounds better introducing it this way ) :
to accept change is to accept the sunshine through a thunderstorm.

It comes,

as fast as it goes.

Just like love. At least the only kind of love I’ve ever known.
Seems like its so hard for me to find what love really means. Have spent my entire life trying to give it shape… but its always been a glob of formless, colorless emotion. I need to give it shape. Then maybe I can recognize it.
And by acknowledging its existence, then maybe peace will take its place.
I’m so tired. So much love to give.
But as love is the fuel to my being, as I give it, I fall empty. And sometimes I fall hard.

Alls I know is that the shape laying across the room right now, lost in a colorful fantasy of dreams, is a portion of my love in a beautiful form. Will always love him. As he fuels me. And that’s all I need to live, right now, in this exact moment of my life.

And I thank him for that.